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Do We Have To Label Our Relationships?
Have you ever had a relationship that was basically a shepherding relationship but was "undeclared"? Do you find value in defining it and if so, what value? Or do you just let the relationship continue as is?
Great question. I just had this conversation last night after the meeting. This is JUST the kind of question I didn't have time to address last night but that's really helpful to cover.
ReplyDeleteI have shepherded guys that never knew I was watching over them, and never called me their pastor or anything like that. The titles are unimportant; it's the relationship that matters. I do think the DTR (define this relationship) conversation can be helpful and clarifying for people (it helps them know what they can expect to receive from you), but there are people for whom that conversation feels imprisoning and scary. In that case, just love on them!
Similarly, I have had (and have!) relationships with men who give oversight and leadership to me who'd be uncomfortable with me using an official term for our relationship. These are dudes who've been burned by religion or have been controlled by leaders in their lives, so they don't EVER want to control anybody else--and get weirded out when I say "you're a shepherd to me". So I just leave that out of the conversation and just involve them in my life, pull wisdom and guidance out of them, and just keep it simple.
So, I do think the DTR convo can be helpful, but no, it's not necessary. The relationship is what really matters.
Also: when we explicitly articulate to people how we regard them in our lives (i.e., "YOU ARE A SHEPHERD TO ME AND I RECEIVE YOU THAT WAY!"), it gives them permission to say stuff that maybe they see in us but haven't felt comfortable articulating. It's an important step to take, especially with close friends. I talked some about the co-shepherding that we can all do for one another (huge topic, there), and if we want oversight from friends, we have to tell them that we give them permissions into our lives. Do you WANT your friends to tell you what they see in your marriage? Your finances? Your parenting? If you do, you have to say it. You have to invite people in. Nobody can just assume they can speak into your life and be welcomed. So DTRs among friends are totally necessary, I think, and completely helpful.
ReplyDeleteWhen you say to someone, "I receive you in this way..." you're also saying "I want you to feel free to involve yourself in my life. I want you to drop by the house. I want you to ask about my work/school life. Get in here!" It's a big step, and I've started to repeat myself.